I was in love. It was one of those high school stories,
where you are friends for quite some time before you take a step ahead, and
enter the “relationship” phase. Sigh! It may sound weird now. But it was a
trend in those days. I guess it is still a trend to date in high school. It is
casual. I did not think it to be impermanent, and short-lived. I had a story in
mind, but not everything works according to the plan. Does it?
We broke up.
It was tough.
But it was for the best. Because when some of them exit,
many more beautiful ones enter. And so did He. The Hero of my story.
I never took real notice of him until then. That one
conversation which awakened me to his presence.
He had known it all along, about how I was struggling to
move on in life. Now when I look back, I realize how he really was there with me,
for me, at every step. If I had only noticed it back then! He was a friend.
More of a classmate in college. But he became more. Much more.
He started the conversation. It was the usual one, like any
two friends would have. But soon enough, he read the gloominess in my eyes. He
became uncomfortable. I could sense that. He wanted to see the sparkle in my
eyes, he told me. I smiled, and said “I am trying.” “Trying is not enough. You
need to move on.” I was surprised he knew. He knew it so well. I tried to look
away.
“Close your eyes”, he said. I was confused. “Close your eyes”,
he said again. I did as instructed, obedient as a little school girl. Well, I
was too tired to disobey. “Can you see your self – the carefree one?” I did not
know what to say. I tried to see myself. I did. I nodded.
He did not say anything for quite some time. We just stood
like that. It must have looked funny, from a distance. But then, I felt
comforted in a weirdly un-comforting way. “I am here for you”, he said next. I
opened my eyes and looked at him. “Can you hear me say that?” I did not know
where the conversation was going. “Yes”, I said. “Great!” he said.
He took my hand in his, “Can you feel the touch?” “Obviously”,
I said. “Awesome!” he said.
I am generally not the one to feel awkward during a
conversation, but here, this guy was asking me strange things. Why? I asked
myself. I really thought of saying a polite good bye and leave. This was not
going anywhere.
He must have somehow sensed what I was thinking about. “Just
five minutes, and then you can go”, he said. I was taken aback. Could he be
reading my mind secretly? How?
“I had bought this chocolate for you earlier today. Will you
please have a bite?” he asked. I was in no mood to have a chocolate! But I did.
Again, like an obedient school girl. “How does it taste?” “It is fine. Just how
a roast-almond tastes.” By the way, how did he know that I liked roast almond
is still unanswered.
“Take a deep breath in, and out. Can you do it for me?” he
said. “Why?” I asked. He made such a puppy like face; it was hard to say
anything else. He still uses this tactic to make me do things I really don’t
want to do. I breathed in and out. I thought as if I was at ease after like
months. I could sense the breeze, and felt light. I liked it.
What was this guy doing? And why? We were decent friends
back in first year. But over the last few months, I hadn't even bothered to
stay in touch. I hadn't wished him on his birthday. I guess it just went by. Or
it didn't? I don’t know. I did not even care. I was struggling in my own life,
trying to pull back everything together.
“All your senses are
just fine”, he said. “Huh?” I looked straight into his eyes. They were
beautiful. They were hard to miss. And still I had missed them, missed him for
so long.
“You are still responding
to everything around you. You are living. Isn't that great?” he was saying.
“I don’t get your
point. I know all my senses are fine.”
“I know it was one
important part of your life. But isn't it over? Haven’t you cried enough? Shouldn't you be taking it easy now? Your senses want you to feel everything
around you. There are people who miss seeing your smile, miss hearing your loud
shrieks, miss getting your hugs, miss seeing you eat with happiness, miss
seeing you content. And everything is still okay. It can be made better. You
are not trying hard.”
I stood there …listening to whatever he was saying. Many of
my friends had tried to make me feel better, and given me all those pep talks. But
wasn't this beautiful? Wasn't this so much more meaningful? Or did I feel so at
that point in time?
“Don’t give up Moti!
You are a tough nut to crack. Aren't you?”
Yes, he called me Moti back then. He won’t dare say that
now. I run quite a tight ship these days. I smiled. Not the fake smile. A real
one.
“Why are you being so sweet to me? I asked.
“Am I not always sweet?” he asked.
“Not really.”
“Well, let me begin it from today then. I expect to get
sweetness in return though.”
“What do you want me to do in return?”
“Smile a little more every day. Promise?”
I laughed. It was a feel good laughter. I couldn't thank him
enough, for he made me think. I took a minute during that conversation, and
tried to make sense of what I was doing. Crying over something which cannot be
repaired. But not everything should be repaired. You dispose of the unimportant
things. Don’t you?
“I promise. And thank you.”
He gave me a high
five, and that broad grin. Obviously, he told me not to thank him again. We said
goodbyes and walked towards our respective vehicles.
I thought about this conversation the whole time while
driving back home. I couldn't believe I was thinking about something else for a
while. Things had to fall into place. But it was time; I made sure I try harder
to make things better. I smiled.
This is one of those conversations that stick with you for a
very long time, and you go over it in your head, again and again. Because you
like it that way.
But had it been not for him, I would have struggled a little
more to make sense of my senses.
We came closer. That was not a surprise. For someone who
could read me like that, it was certain we had a story of our own. And we are
living it now. And I couldn't be happier. I couldn't be more thankful, to my
senses, and to him, for making me feel alive! Once again!
Thank you.
I am in love again. This time, not because it is a trend. But
because it makes sense!
